When OCD prevents me from decluttering

I have been working super hard for the past two years of decluttering. I used to be somewhat of a hoarder, mostly because I feared what would happen if I got rid of the things. I’ve had OCD since I was 10, and if you’re curious as to what it entails, for me it’s having your worst fears played out in your head over and over again. To stop the fears, I have to do some sort of ritual: touch an object, punch myself. It’s exhausting.

I received cognitative behavior therapy which helped a lot. Then three years later, a family member did something to trigger it all back. Add a pregnancy to that and it became so much worse.

I have come a long way in that I’m able to give a lot more away than I used to. Minimalism has truly saved my life. But sometimes, I don’t always win. Tonight, I had a panic attack after giving some old baby clothes to a friend. She was kind and understanding and said she’d give back what I wanted (not everything, just three things out of a whole bag is what I freaked about). I’m so lucky that I have friends like her that won’t judgr my panic attack. She’s not the only friend who has been supportive and for that I’m so lucky.

But I still feel like an asshole, and I also feel defeated because even though I win most of the time, my anxiety won today.

Keeping these things is a false way to control the anxiety I feel inside. After I panicked, I cried for two hours knowing the deeper issue is that I’m sad to leave my baby after having the summer off. I’m also sad my oldest will be starting high school. Keeping these things is a false sense of control and I know it, yet here I am falling apart.