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I can't keep everything my daughters own II


I went to my parents' house today to visit. I also went over because some of our (my oldest daughter and I) stuff is still there.

I thought I had been doing a pretty good job to taking stuff from their house, but there is always a container or two more for me to look though. The last container I took from there was brought to my house and haven't looked at it since. This time I decided to go through two containers right then and there so I wouldn't have to take a lot home with me and so it wouldn't end up sitting in my garage for months.

I'm glad I opened it there because there were a few items that were my mom's and sister's. The other items were my oldest daughter's. I gave away a few things that were her's, but I did also keep some of it. I have the hardest time getting rid of the girls' stuff still, and I am really hoping this course I'm taking will help with that.

This week I had a panic attack about a dress I had given to my friend. It was my youngest daughter's, and I think I panicked because I am trying to hold on to memories of her being little and it's all going so fast. My friend was understanding and is going to hold onto that dress for me, but I still felt really ridiculous about it all. I know it's so dumb, but in my mind holding on to these little outfits means holding on to memories.

While I was at my parents', I mentioned all of this to my dad. He replied stating that was the reason why my mom had held on to so much, because she liked the times when we were little. It did help me to understand my mom a little more clearly, but it also terrified me because my mom holds on to almost everything. It gave me a small realization that I cannot end up that way and in order to avoid that, I need to learn to let more things go.

And even though I'm sad for the kids to grow up, I realized I was spending an evening going through stuff instead of enjoying time with them. I took a break and hung out with them the rest of the night.

I really feel that getting rid of their stuff saves me, but it also creates an internal struggle with my anxiety and it is most times hard to fight it. Sometimes it wins, sometimes I win. Tonight I am left with this insight that stuff takes up my time, and more time with my kids is what I want, so I gotta let it go.

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