A year ago, I was pregnant and expecting an August baby. As my coworkers put it, the timing was "terrible." I'm a high school teacher and every other teacher I know would comment on what a terrible due date I had. They would first congratulate me when they saw my big belly, then they would make a face when I told them my due date. One person even told me I should've planned my pregnancy better.
I get it, because I too thought that August was a terrible due date for a momma teacher. I remember praying to God to please let me have a summer baby so I could go back to work right away. My district does offer a year off of unpaid maternity, but I thought leave work for that long? I could never!
My pregnancy was difficult to begin with. I experienced extreme anxiety and it was terrifying. The year prior, my husband lost two partners and I witnessed a family member have a mental breakdown. I was also finishing up my last semester of graduate school. I stopped taking my regular anxiety medication because we were planning to get pregnant, though it didn't happen at the time we wanted.
The last time I was pregnant, I was a senior in high school. Though that was 12 years away, the trauma I experienced all came flooding back to me. I thought this time would be different since I have a great husband and stability, but it was as though the fear of the mistreatment I went through at the time all came rushing back. I didn't sleep. I would lay in bed for hours and show up to work completely exhausted. I felt completely unstable and even had to leave work at one point because I was having a massive panic attack (initially the on school medical office thought I had a blood clot since my heart was racing).
Being a teacher is a very difficult job as it is. I am totally a "yes man" and get the job done, but I can see why so many are leaving the profession. I rarely have parent complaints, but there are usually one or two I deal with during the school year. When it does happen, large panic sweeps over me. I would be so worried, even though from the outside looking in I didn't have much to worry about. When I found out we were expecting a baby in August, I tried my best to prepare for my return. I had a coworker who had a baby in August one year, and when she returned in November of that year, the kids bullied her ruthlessly. This is a teacher whom all of the kids usually like; she works so hard and is so organized, but not starting off the year with the kids really affected her return. This fear took over me and I worried that the same would happen to me. I tried my best to prevent it.
I secured a substitute in May and prepared my room. The substitute ended up canceling a month before the return of the school year. To add to the worry, our principal (who was so supportive during my pregnancy) announced he was leaving to promote to the superintendent's office. I felt the loss of control as all of these things began to fall apart. I ended up finding a new substitute and even though I was going to have lesson plans for every day that I was gone, I was also asked if I could GRADE everything! I told the substitute that there was no way I could actually grade when I'm gone. The response I got was, "Well then who will grade the work?" I did go to work for two weeks before my baby was born. The week before when I told the students that I would be going on maternity leave, one student told me he hated teachers who went on maternity leave. This was all so reassuring.
After I had my daughter, I let it go and tried to focus on my new baby. I then found out from one of my juniors that plans were not being implemented at all. I cried in frustration because I would be returning to work and would have to start all over.
Eventually I got another substitute who communicated with me weekly. We worked well together and I knew the kids were learning. I even took time to read their personal narrative essays and journals because I wanted to get to know the kids. Though this all brought some reassurance, I wasn't healed emotionally from my pregnancy and I still worried about how my return to work would play out.
I was supposed to return in October, then I pushed it back to January. I thought it'd be perfect to start at the beginning of the new semester.
Once the week of return arrived, I experienced several panic attacks. I went to work for one day for meetings; I was met with coworkers happy at my soon to be return, but they also shared with me some behavior issues going on in my classroom. My juniors and I had been together since they were freshman, so we already have a great relationship so I was not worried about their class, but the freshman and I did not have a relationship, though I did try. On top of this, though my substitute was great and worked well with me, whatever scores the kids earned on standardized testing would be counted on my record, though I wasn't with them for the first semester.
The morning of what was to be my first day back, I had a massive panic attack. My husband begged me not to drive. It was terrifying. I couldn't keep it together. I felt unprepared and out of control. I was supposed to take my baby to an at home daycare near the school. Suddenly it hit me, that returning to work right now was just not possible. I needed more time and it was not worth the money and stress. I called my husband and asked in between tears if it was OK to extended my leave; he quickly agreed that I should do so. I saw all of the cars pulling into the school, and I just drove passed it. I didn't stop until I got to my sister's house.
I felt extremely guilty for my students, my juniors especially. I felt as if I failed them. I also committed to being my substitute's Cooperating Teacher (to train a student teacher), so I felt that I failed him too. Everything did end up working out for them and overtime I became very glad that I took the extra time. I truly needed it to get my health back on track.
There are lots of teachers that I know that are leaving the classroom this school year. They are the best teachers that are great at their job; these are the type of teachers the kids love and other teachers want to be like. They have made the choice to leave the classroom and to move on to other things because of the stress of the job. Several of my coworkers have severe anxiety. It is concerning when more than one coworker opens up that they are having panic attacks. I know there are other stressful jobs out there and others argue that we picked the profession we're in so we shouldn't complain. But one thing I learned during this time is that work isn't the end all be all. There are more important things, like our families and health we need to take care of. So often we put both of those very important aspects of our lives on the back burner to cater to students who (let's be honest) may not even remember our names in a few years. Our families and our health should come first. Our families are who we will be spending the rest of our years with so they deserve our time and attention. And if we are not healthy, we cannot be the best teachers that we have the potential to be.
I get it, because I too thought that August was a terrible due date for a momma teacher. I remember praying to God to please let me have a summer baby so I could go back to work right away. My district does offer a year off of unpaid maternity, but I thought leave work for that long? I could never!
My pregnancy was difficult to begin with. I experienced extreme anxiety and it was terrifying. The year prior, my husband lost two partners and I witnessed a family member have a mental breakdown. I was also finishing up my last semester of graduate school. I stopped taking my regular anxiety medication because we were planning to get pregnant, though it didn't happen at the time we wanted.
The last time I was pregnant, I was a senior in high school. Though that was 12 years away, the trauma I experienced all came flooding back to me. I thought this time would be different since I have a great husband and stability, but it was as though the fear of the mistreatment I went through at the time all came rushing back. I didn't sleep. I would lay in bed for hours and show up to work completely exhausted. I felt completely unstable and even had to leave work at one point because I was having a massive panic attack (initially the on school medical office thought I had a blood clot since my heart was racing).
Being a teacher is a very difficult job as it is. I am totally a "yes man" and get the job done, but I can see why so many are leaving the profession. I rarely have parent complaints, but there are usually one or two I deal with during the school year. When it does happen, large panic sweeps over me. I would be so worried, even though from the outside looking in I didn't have much to worry about. When I found out we were expecting a baby in August, I tried my best to prepare for my return. I had a coworker who had a baby in August one year, and when she returned in November of that year, the kids bullied her ruthlessly. This is a teacher whom all of the kids usually like; she works so hard and is so organized, but not starting off the year with the kids really affected her return. This fear took over me and I worried that the same would happen to me. I tried my best to prevent it.
I secured a substitute in May and prepared my room. The substitute ended up canceling a month before the return of the school year. To add to the worry, our principal (who was so supportive during my pregnancy) announced he was leaving to promote to the superintendent's office. I felt the loss of control as all of these things began to fall apart. I ended up finding a new substitute and even though I was going to have lesson plans for every day that I was gone, I was also asked if I could GRADE everything! I told the substitute that there was no way I could actually grade when I'm gone. The response I got was, "Well then who will grade the work?" I did go to work for two weeks before my baby was born. The week before when I told the students that I would be going on maternity leave, one student told me he hated teachers who went on maternity leave. This was all so reassuring.
After I had my daughter, I let it go and tried to focus on my new baby. I then found out from one of my juniors that plans were not being implemented at all. I cried in frustration because I would be returning to work and would have to start all over.
Eventually I got another substitute who communicated with me weekly. We worked well together and I knew the kids were learning. I even took time to read their personal narrative essays and journals because I wanted to get to know the kids. Though this all brought some reassurance, I wasn't healed emotionally from my pregnancy and I still worried about how my return to work would play out.
I was supposed to return in October, then I pushed it back to January. I thought it'd be perfect to start at the beginning of the new semester.
Once the week of return arrived, I experienced several panic attacks. I went to work for one day for meetings; I was met with coworkers happy at my soon to be return, but they also shared with me some behavior issues going on in my classroom. My juniors and I had been together since they were freshman, so we already have a great relationship so I was not worried about their class, but the freshman and I did not have a relationship, though I did try. On top of this, though my substitute was great and worked well with me, whatever scores the kids earned on standardized testing would be counted on my record, though I wasn't with them for the first semester.
The morning of what was to be my first day back, I had a massive panic attack. My husband begged me not to drive. It was terrifying. I couldn't keep it together. I felt unprepared and out of control. I was supposed to take my baby to an at home daycare near the school. Suddenly it hit me, that returning to work right now was just not possible. I needed more time and it was not worth the money and stress. I called my husband and asked in between tears if it was OK to extended my leave; he quickly agreed that I should do so. I saw all of the cars pulling into the school, and I just drove passed it. I didn't stop until I got to my sister's house.
I felt extremely guilty for my students, my juniors especially. I felt as if I failed them. I also committed to being my substitute's Cooperating Teacher (to train a student teacher), so I felt that I failed him too. Everything did end up working out for them and overtime I became very glad that I took the extra time. I truly needed it to get my health back on track.
There are lots of teachers that I know that are leaving the classroom this school year. They are the best teachers that are great at their job; these are the type of teachers the kids love and other teachers want to be like. They have made the choice to leave the classroom and to move on to other things because of the stress of the job. Several of my coworkers have severe anxiety. It is concerning when more than one coworker opens up that they are having panic attacks. I know there are other stressful jobs out there and others argue that we picked the profession we're in so we shouldn't complain. But one thing I learned during this time is that work isn't the end all be all. There are more important things, like our families and health we need to take care of. So often we put both of those very important aspects of our lives on the back burner to cater to students who (let's be honest) may not even remember our names in a few years. Our families and our health should come first. Our families are who we will be spending the rest of our years with so they deserve our time and attention. And if we are not healthy, we cannot be the best teachers that we have the potential to be.
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